A short comedic story I wrote to illustrate that you can write about anything at all as long as you invest yourself in it…
DOGGY DAY AFTERNOON
IN THE SQUAD ROOM:
The detective set the open box of doughnuts down on the table, sighed, and then levered himself back into his cheap, plastic chair.
“Okay… Tell me about the dog…” He reached forward, snagged a doughnut, and began to chew, neatly catching a blob of jelly that burst from the side of the doughnut with one fat finger.
I thought for a moment… “Okay… It was like this…”
HOW MUCH IS THAT DOG CRAP ON THE SIDEWALK:
It was a clear, sunny day. The cracked sidewalk stretched out before me like a yellow bricked road that somehow had escaped coloring. I saw the dog crap on the sidewalk just before I saw the hunched over dog… Plop… Another missive joined the pile. The dog looked up at my widened eyes and grimaced, grunted, then growled.
“What the $%#@,” the dog said. “Never seen a dog take a crap?”
I was momentarily flummoxed. I knew dogs could talk, in fictional writings anyway, but I hadn’t realized that I would meet one on a city sidewalk in the middle of the day. The dog, a Pit Bull breed, straightened up, spun around and looked at the pile of crap, sniffed twice, and then looked back up at me. I checked his collar. No license. In fact, no collar.
“Hey, Man,” I started. “I mean, Hey, Dog, you got to have a license,” I told him.
“You saying a dog needs a license to take a crap, Mo-Fo?” He walked towards me, stiff legged. I notice that as he talked he teeth seemed to wiggle in his jaw, his words were slightly slurred.
“Uh, well, no… I mean a dog license… A license for a dog.”
“So I need a friggin’ license to be a dog? I can’t just be a dog? Oh, you frickin’ people make me laugh. A damn license to be a dog…” He looked back up at me. He had looked away, shaking his head. “I don’t got no frickin’ license, Mo-…” His eyes flew open as he teeth clattered to the ground. “Fwuck,” he said as they plopped into the pile of crap, broke free and clattered to a stop. “Somawevabeesshh.”
“Ha, Ha ,Ha,” I said before I could think. “Your teeth fell in the…”
He stuffed the teeth back into his jaw, launched himself to his hind legs, and the next thing I knew I was staring down the barrel of a Nine mm pistol.
“Holy crap,” I managed as the dogs paws settled on my chest.
“Holy crap,” The dog mimicked in a high falsetto. He swatted my face with his free paw, and then shoved the gun halfway into my nose. ”Give me your wallet.” I fumbled in my pocket and fished out my wallet, the dog fumbled around, stretched one rear leg up to hold the wallet as the other skimmed through it. He fished my license out and began to look it over.
“Hey, Dog. That’s a drivers License. No good for a dog.” I tried a smile on my face.
“You know,” the dog said, “Smiling means a whole different thing to a dog. An ape, most animals in fact. It’s a sign of aggression.”
I quickly wiped the smile off my face…
The detective broke in…
“You gonna eat that last doughnut,” he asked?
I looked down and noticed there was only one doughnut left in the box. “Uh, no… Go ahead,” I said.
He reached down and then motioned for me to continue with one white powdered finger.
“Uh.. Yeah… So…
DOGGY TOUGH GUY:
The dog looked over the license (Warning… Scene stolen from Good fellas) “Okay,” The dog said, “You may know who I am, but I know who you are… Where you live.” He looked at me and I nodded. He fished a twenty out of my wallet and handed it to me. “Go get me a license. I’ll be right here waiting.”
THE REST OF IT:
The detective interrupted, talking around the doughnut, bits of clumped up powdered sugar and doughnut flying as he spoke. I winced as I felt a piece hit my lower lip. “So,” he looked down at his notepad, “The City Clerk says you got a license for a Mixed Beagle dog.” He looked back up at me.
“Yeah… See, I figured that way you could find him easier… I mean, how many Pit Bulls are walking around with tags for a Beagle.”
“Uh huh,” The detective said. “Maybe he read it?”
“A dog that can read,” I asked? “That’s pretty hard to believe.”
The detective nodded again… “Okay, So…”
When I got back from the City Clerks office the dog was waiting. He took the license and the tags and then handed me my wallet back. He took another twenty though for crack. He was a crack-dog.
“Whoa, a Crack-dog,” The detective asked? “Why didn’t you mention that before? How do you know?”
“Um, because he said something like…. “Yo, Man. I need another twenty to buy two tens at the spot.”
The detective nodded and motioned with the now clean finger to go on.
“Well, that’s it. He gave me back my license and told me if I ever told he would come and poop on my lawn everyday… And he threatened to bite me…”
“Did he bite you,” The detective asked?
“Well, no, but…”
The detective waved one chubby hand. “No Bite, can’t charge him.”
I looked at him incredulously. “Are you F *$#ing kidding me?”
He frowned. “Watch your goddamn mouth. We got kids around here.”
I looked, but could see no kids. I nodded anyway. “Well… He stole twenty bucks… No, forty bucks…”
The detective shook his head. “Look, how do I know that? You could be making the whole thing up… Dogs bite… You ain’t got no bite, do you?”
“No,” I agreed.
The detective shrugged.
“He pooped on the sidewalk… I saw him.”
“Uh huh, but then he’s a dog. Now if you catch a person doing that…” He shrugged again and looked down at the doughnut box. “Look, I got work to do…. Anything else?”
I shook my head, knowing I was defeated…
BACK IN IT:
As I left the police station I saw the dog two buildings down, standing in the shadows.
“I told you,” The dog yelled. “I warned you!”
As I turned to run, I reminded myself to pick up a poop scooper… And some bags… and some PoliGrip as a peace offering. It was a clear, blue skied day as I raced down the sidewalk running for home, the dog right behind me…
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